NEWS OF THE FUTURE!

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, and this brings us to the portion of our broadcast called “News of the Future!”.

 

Everyone is interested in The Future – everyone is concerned at the very least with their own Future. But very rarely do we actually have the chance to catch a glimpse of The Future, as we will in tonight’s very special broadcast.

 

The Future is not what it used to be…in the Past, they promised us a Future that included moving sidewalks, hovercars, personal jet packs, and commuter service to the Moon. (Chuckle) None of these things have come to pass – yet. But clearly, The Future often turns out differently than we expect.

 

So what does the Future hold for you? Let’s look ahead now at the Headlines of Tomorrow – Today!

 

NEWS OF THE FUTURE!

Dateline: August 20^th, 2012, Geneva:

An international gathering of prominent slackers, hippies, surfers and frat boys began a weeklong series of summit meetings today by announcing that the words “dude” and “bro” will be henceforth combined into one word, “brude”. “Doh” was briefly considered as an alternative, but as a spokesperson said: “ Shaa, brude – ‘doh’ is alread a word, yo?”

 

NEWS OF THE FUTURE!

Dateline: July 41^st, 2032, San Francisco:

It was announced today that all the buildings in the city’s downtown area will be converted into One Big Building, which is where everyone who now works in the area will work. The initial outcry against this development quickly subsided when it was learned that there will be a Starbuck’s located every 60 feet along each and every corridor. The building is expected to block out the sun and weigh as much as the former planet Pluto. The deep subterranean levels will feature specialties like ethnic food, drugs and prostitution, a thriving black market in human organs, and a sexy underground rebel movement with really cool clothes made from recycled tires.

 

NEWS OF THE FUTURE!

Dateline: Octember 52^nd, 2036, Wall Street:

The newly revived SportMart Corporation joined the growing trend of businesses with surprisingly frank slogans. The newly minted tagline, “SportMart – Because We Really Don’t Give a Fuck”, is expected to appeal to consumers already used to fending for themselves, said SportMart spokesperson Scott Hanky. “It’s time we all got over the idea of customer service,” said Hanky. “Clearly, I have better things to do with my time than wait on someone.” Other corporations who have recently updated their slogans include Dell, with “You Bought It – Now, Fuck You!”, and Comcast, with “We Have Your Money – Don’t Expect To Ever Speak To Us Again”.

 

This has been NEWS OF THE FUTURE!